1997 POSTS

Message: 17/1                         Posted             Author
WWI Open Line                     Mon Jul 14       Zachary
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Tired of reading the same recycled, sanitized news in your local paper? Of hearing the corporate rhetoric spoon-fed to you on the evening broadcasts? Of multi-billionaire powerbrokers deciding what you should know, and when? So are we here at the Weekly World Insider - and we plan to do something about it. Hard-hitting, no holds barred - that's our style. No story is too off-beat, too controversial for our crack staff. We search for truth in all forms, and that is our pledge to you, the readers.

 

Message: 17/2            Posted               Author
August Issue                    Wed Jul 16        Zachary
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ALIENS CROP DUSTED MY FARM!

 A Nebraska woman claims that her cornfields have been fertilized for years by unknown visitors from outer space. Mrs. Vera Jane Watkins of Plumrose County <picture enclosed> says the alien homeworld suffers from a severe famine, and her corn is "goin' to feed them little alien babies' mouths."

BIG EASY STRANGENESS!

A few tidbits from the home office here in New Orleans, ...Odd happenings at local night spots have been keeping this reporter on his toes! Earlier this week, during a rather rowdy party at a chic hotspot, one reveler displayed a knack for getting into trouble, nearly flooding an entire city block during a drunken reverie. But the oddness of it all - a balloon, broken open in public to reveal: HUMAN BLOOD!

To be sure, New Orleans has seen its share of spiritual activity. But even this recent event must rank high in the annals of mystery! on another humid summer night, at yet another nightlife haven, one drunken partier was witnessed to immolate himself in green flame, yet emerge unscathed! <color picture of this man on cover>. Only moments later, his clothing disintegrated as if eaten by a thousand invisible moths! This reporter can offer no explanation for these strange events, but can only present them objectively.

SCORPIOS MORE LIKELY TO BE RICH AND FAMOUS!

WWI's own astrologist, Madame Zola, writes in her horoscope today that Scorpios should watch their finances carefully, as riches and fame could be around the corner. Pisces: go for it! No one says you can't have what you want, so act n impulse today and be rewarded! Sagittarius: Stay home, read a book. Today just isn't a good day to venture outside.

 
 
 
 

Message: 17/3                                  Posted        Author
Sex Scandal Uncovered!                   Fri Jul 25    Arielle
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SEX SCANDAL UNCOVERED!

The truth about one of the town's most respected citizens!

An anonymous tip led this reporter to a shocking discovery. According to those interviewed, Lafitte's Blacksmith Shoppe is the center of one of the town's most heinous sex rings. Reportedly, the owner of this shop is a voodoo priest, who lures the unwary into his temple. There, the devotees, usually young girls, are forced to commit various sexual acts as part of his rituals! In addition to this, the man forces drugs upon the unwitting girls. Then, as a conclusion of these rituals, they swear loyalty to this man... what follows is more rituals too gruesome to comment on! <picture of a cross being burned inset>

Most of the devotees are never heard from again, but this quote comes from one we have discovered, who wishes to remain nameless: "The tortures we were put through no human should have to suffer."

 
 
 

Message: 17/4                          Posted            Author
September issue                       Tue Jul 29       Zachary
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JESUS ON THE INTERNET

It's true! Jesus of Nazareth, savior of mankind, Son of God himself, is on the internet! The Lord uses this technological marvel to spread his gospel to online believers. Found on the World Wide Web at www.salvation.com, Jesus has linked that old-time religion into the information superhighway. Among the optionsto explore are a fully interactive repentance site, where sinners can be personally absolved by the carpenter's son Himself. Also, a fully animated banner counting down the days until Judgment Day! (According to the site, Dec. 12, 2026. Don't make any vacation plans.)
 

MADONNA TO HAVE ELVIS' LOVE CHILD!

According to sources close to the Material Girl, Madonna is looking into being artificially inseminated with Elvis Presley's sperm. Overjoyed with motherhood, Madonna is reportedly anxious that she will be unfulfilled when young Lourdes is too old to cuddle, and FatherWatch II is on! Jesselle Jenkins, a backup singer for Madonna, reported the singer has "Bought tons of old Elvis records, and was wondering what Graceland was like..."

RAT BOY SIGHTED IN FRENCH QUARTER!

To longtime readers of the Weekly World Insider, Rat Boy is an institution. This pathetic, deformed young man has been photographed in this magazine dozens of times, yet still remains unidentified. the editorial staff here at WWI is saddened by this situation, and our quest continues, as new photos of Rat Boy have surfaced. Here, published in their original, unadulterated form, are the latest in the Rat Boy series. <Pictured are two blurry, grainy photos of a  a smooth, featureless head with only slits for eyes and a mouth.Shadows and print quality  make the pictures very hard to distinguish.> Once again, if anyone has any further information on Rat Boy, please contact us on the Rat Boy Hotline, or e-mail us at www.wwisightings.com.
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/5                           Posted        Author
December special edition           Tue Sep  9    Zachary
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IS YOUR DOG WORSHIPPING SATAN?

 (Attached to story is photo of German Shepherd, with a faint '666' tattooed into its forehead) Latest studies from the Amsterdam Institute of Veteranarian Psychology indicate a majority of canine housepets worship Satan. Yes, the devil himself has infiltrated our domestic animals! While it is common knowledge that all cats are demon-spawn, these latest details are a shock to the world at large.

 MUTANT ALIEN SIGHTED AT HISTORIC LANDMARK

 (Attached to story is photo of a large scorpion with a beautiful, angelic face) Photgrapher Sid Williams risked life and limb to bring you the reader these WWI exclusive shots of the alien menace. Police refuse to acknowledge that on Halloween night, at Pont Blanc, a mutant menace, presumably from outer space, manifested in the ruins and brutally attacked this reporter. It was only through sheer wits and guile that he managed to survive, to bring this shocking tale to public light. Watch your doors, look into the shadows, and always, always, watch the skies!!!

 MUMMY'S PROPHECIES REVEALED

 GIZA PLATEAU - In the tomb of ancient pharaoh Tanakhten, a minor Egyptian ruler, researchers claim to have translated heiroglyphs that may signal the coming of the Apocalypse! According to Sir Miles Langley-Pittssmythe of Cambridge, a planetary alignment will occur on May 5, 2000 that could spell doom to the earth. Other institutes scoff at the find, believing it to be pure speculation. However, rumors persist of the expedition being cursed, with many unexplained "accidents" at the dig site. Langley-Pittssmythe is a believer. "No one can know the extent of knowledge the ancients contain. These shrines to Osiris and Set in this tomb could very well tell the future - a grim prophecy indeed!"
 
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/6                            Posted        Author
Year-End Predictions                 Fri Sep 19    Zachary
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PREDICTIONS FOR 1999

It's that time of year again, time to peer into the Weekly World Insider's crystal ball, to reveal to you the secrets of the year to come...

JANUARY

1999 begins with a bang, as a major disaster in Eastern Europe will leave in ruins a legendary historical landmark.

The Chinese government, in a cashflow crisis, auctions off Hong Kong to the highest bidder. Steven Spielberg, the eventual new owner of HK, will convert the entire area to a film studio.

FEBRUARY

Valentine's Day brings new love to one of Hollywood's legends, as Elizabeth Taylor ties the knot for the tenth time, in a shocking move, by marrying Michael Jackson. Jacko is said to be happier than ever. Bubbles the Chimp will serve as best man.

The market will crash on the 22nd, but rebound strongly by the 23rd. Nothing really to worry about. Probably shouldn't even have mentioned it.

MARCH

In time for Easter celebration, a prophet will appear in Palestine, claiming to be herald of Christ, paving the way for the second coming.

A major political leader will have a nervous breakdown, and will need to be hospitalized for months, causing a near-war in the process.

APRIL

Just at the peak of tax season, a major computer glitch in the IRS' systems will reward each taxpayer with thousands of dollars in refunds.

Lottos will be outlawed, as they are found to be linked to organized crime. However, charitable contributions rise, due to millions of people no longer having lottery tickets to waste their money on.

 
MAY

With high school seniors breaking all sorts of records for aptitude tests and intelligence tests, a formal poll will reveal that Saturday morning cartoons and high-sugar candies are the largest conributers to intellectual development today.

Retro fashion really goes retro, as togas become all the rage.

JUNE

Weddings hit an all-time high, as statistics indicate that now, officially, all the eligible men are married or gay.

Summer movie season is rendered moot, as the Star Wars prequel clears $1 billion in gross.

JULY

In honor of Independence Day in both the States and Canada, national governments will, for the first time, conduct tours of the long-fabled, but never-admitted, Area 51. Make your reservations early!

In a related item, Newt Gingrich will admit for the first time that he is, in fact, a space alien impersonating a human (Rather badly, at that).

AUGUST

 In honor of the month with no official holidays, the WWI will make no predictions for the month of August. Why bother?

SEPTEMBER

The new school year will begin by rescinding all school boards requirements, in a landmark decision by the Supreme Court. Citing possible discrimination to the intellectually-challenged, the statute will force universities to allow any applicant, living or dead, into the student body.

The 10.0 Rictor scale that was scheduled to sink California beneath the Pacific Ocean last May 22 has been rescheduled to September 12, to allow for the tourist trade.

OCTOBER

Halloween holds a special surprise this year, as no occult significance is evident. In fact, no celebrities will rise from the dead, no alien landings, absolutely no vampire sightings - at least not until November 1st.

Melrose Place will be given a lifetime contract for airing on the Fox network, meaning Aaron Spelling will have a show on the air untilhe's breathed his last.

NOVEMBER

Researchers will discover that the Pilgrims were in fact vegetarians, and that the entire Thanksgiving dinner tradition is in fact a wide-reaching conspiracy purported by the Turkey Farmers Association.

The global warming crisis, formerly the global cooling process, also known as the greenhouse effect, will be revealed to be, once and for all - the global apathy effect. Basically, the atmospheric conditions keep anyone from really caring or understanding the ozone at all.

DECEMBER

Christmas will continue as normal this year, narrowly averting an elf strike. Citing lack of competition, resulting in lower pay, Santa's elves hold a wildcat strike on Christmas Eve, which Santa deals with by cutting them in on merchandising profits.

Finally, the WWI fearlessly predicts that it will be here next New Year's to make wildly innacurate and improbable predictions for the year 2000. Who knows, we may get it right this time!

Happy New Year!
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/8                     Posted        Author
January edition                    Sat Sep 27    Zachary
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POSSIBLE BREAK IN DERAUX MURDER

Ever since last month's tragic slaying of actress Khristine Deraux in the streets of New Orleans, the public has been clamoring for an explanation. Local authorities have provided no information, no suspects, and have let this high-profile case simply fall by the wayside. We here at the WWI pledge to keep this senseless homicide on the public's mind, so that justice can be served.

Anonymous sources have indicated a possible break in the case. Wealthy socialite Philip Mathews, a fixture at Khristine's side over the past months, has not been seen since the grisly event. Could Philip Mathews have something to hide? Is there an explanation for his disappearance at the same time as his romantic interest was gunned down in the street? The WWI, and the public, wants to know.

ELVIS IS DEAD!

Reports from the Netherlands indicate that the King truly is dead. Authorities found a body in Amsterdam, apparently overdosed on a mixture of heroin and amphetimines. All DNA reports show that the man, in his sixties, and in terrible physical condition, was indeed Elvis Aron Presley. Graceland would not comment on the findings, and this reporter can only surmise that the grief was simply too much to bear.

EDITORIAL COMMENTS

by Zachary Woods

 I would like to take this opportunity to respond to criticisms of this paper that recently appeared in print in another publication. In this article, the author felt the need to call us 'vicious and unsubtle yellow journalists'. and you, the reader, he characterized as 'the pathetic everyman..who merely use the embarrassment of others to justify their boring lives as 'realistic'.' I would like to stand up for myself, every employee here at the WWI, and all readers who spend their hard-earned money, by their own choice, to read this publication.

 No one has a monopoly on 'tasteful' news. No one can only print what they feel is discreet, or polite in mixed company. We, as journalists, have an obligation to print the news, good or ill, without regard to whether anyone will feel uncomfortable or offended. It happens to be called the First Amendment, and it is one of the foundations of our society.

Why are our headlines so outlandish, so shocking? Because we here at the WWI don't have to answer to a giant media conglomerate, who may decide that a certain story wouldn't be good for business. We print the whole story, whatever that may be, and opinions be damned. Obviously, our readership appreciates such an approach, and I feel that The Weekly World Insider answers only to them.

I may not be a wordsmith, or have a talent for writing glowing prose, like others do, but that doesn't make me any less of a journalist. So while other papers will urge you to keep secrets hidden, maintaining the 'eroticism of the unknown', we will have no pretensions. We offer you solid, interesting news reporting, without any of the overworked egos that write for other papers. That's what we are, take it or leave it.
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/9                       Posted           Author
Special edition                       Tue Sep 30    Zachary
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SECRET SAUCE IS APHRODISIAC

An Idaho woman claims that McDonald's special sauce acts as an aphrodisiac, and is suing the multinational food chain for sexual harassment. Mrs. Bernice Hotchkins of Boise had lunch at a local McDonalds on December 3rd, and claims she was overcome by sexual ecstasy. Witnesses verify that Mrs. Hotchkins did come on to several patrons in the establishment, and was, as one witness put it, "Getting hotter than a fresh batch of French fries." The $12 million lawsuit is being contested by the home of the Big Mac, who refused all comments.

WOLF ATTACK IN JACKSON SQUARE

A giant, rabid wolf attacked a man in Jackson Square, New Orleans last week. Authorities were unable to capture the beast, described by witnesses as having glowing red eyes, frothing at the mouth, intent on chasing down one, as yet unidentified man. Local authorities have dismissed the incident as simply a rabid dog, but can we be so sure?

DANGEROUS FUGITIVE ON THE RUN

 <Splashed in a full-page spread on the back cover is a Wanted poster with Ethan's picture>
 Police have issued an all-points bulletin for this man, Ethan Miles. A statewide manhunt to capture this vicious felon is underway. On the run for two days, Miles is wanted for attempted rape and murder, involuntary manslaughter, and countless other charges. If you see this man DO NOT attempt to capture him, as he is armed and dangerous. Contact the NOPD with any information. Please, once again, do not approach this vile monster of a man.
 

 
 
 

Message: 17/10                       Posted            Author
Mardi Gras special                  Mon Oct 13    Zachary
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With Mardi Gras nearly upon us, New Orleans is experiencing its annual influx of tourists and revelers. To commemorate the festivities, the Weekly World Insider will devote this issue to the Crescent City and all its seamy stories.

AN URBAN LEGEND REBORN?

Ask almost anyone in New Orleans about the legendary Jonathan Finn, and they'll likely fill your head with tales of the macabre, from the man's freak-show circus of the past. Or they may tell you that the love of his life, the renowned horror novelist Christina Day spent the years following his death conducting seances to commune with her dead love. Some may even say that Finn is still in the Quarter to this very day, haunting his city like he haunted so many of his circus-goers a century ago.

As founder of the Circus of the Macabre, Jonathan Finn brought his rare gift for sensational scares and penchant for grotesque oddities to the American countryside. The most accomplished carny of the mid-1800's, Finn met the love of his life, Christina Day, in New Orleans. IT seemed that this master of the macabre and his soon-to-be bride would have a long, full life off darkness and mystery.

But it was not to be. A mysterious attack on the carnival left Finn brutally murdered. Christina Day, having lost her love in a tragic and senseless way, nevertheless seemed at ease with her life. She wrote books, claiming inspiration from beyond the grave. Could it be that this love had transcended death? Or was this the delusion of a grief-stricken woman, who had just lost her love? No one could say for sure, and Christina Day never told, passing away in 1923, presumably to be with her love, Jonathan Finn.

The story does not end with the passing of good Miss Day. Rumors, stories around the campfire, all filled with tales of the haunting of New Orleans by it most famous carnival master, Finn himself. Tales of odd happenings at the Day house, of freakish scenes, the likes of which haven't been seen since Finn's day. Most recently, on this past Halloween, a statue of Jonathan Finn at the Vaudeville Museum came to life! It strolled into a local pub, the Lost Raven, and proceeded to perform all manners of grotesquery. Inserting a long metal spike through his throat, "Finn" then lowered a chain with a hook down his throat, yanking the spike out of his mouth, which doubled the spike in half! A truly macabre display, one worthy of Finn himself.

Some will say this is all fantasy, that no man walks the earth after death. But I say this: Do we truly know? Can any of us really say for certain what becomes of us? Christina Day knew, I believe. But the rest of us must only guess...

 
 
 

Message: 17/11                                Posted         Author
Local color, ctd.                               Fri Oct 17    Zachary
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TOXIC SPIDERS SWARM BOURBON STREET

In a truly bizarre incident, a bourbon Street alleyway was overrun by all varieties of spiders, in one of the strangest swarm reports in recent memory. the spiders, which included such diverse breeds as Australian Huntsman, tarantulas, wolf spiders, and a few South American species, seemed to come from nowhere. <A picture of several large spiders in jars accompanies the article> Witnesses report that shortly before the swarm appeared, a toxic chemical spill occurred in this same alley. A dozen people at least saw a huge spiderweb crossing the alley when they went outside to investigate the spill. It was then that spiders began appearing out of nowhere. Scientists have no explanation for these events, only to say that some of the breeds were definitely out of their habitats, and some were poisonous.

AN ARCHON'S DOWNFALL

As has been all over the news recently, Kevin Mitchell, leader of the infamous Archon's Disciples, one of New Orleans' most dangerous gangs, was finally arrested on thirty counts of murder and related charges. Mitchell, who in his street persona as Archon, had recently negotiated a series of sanction agreements between the local gangs, was at the height of his power. his brutal authority was being felt throughout the Nawlins underground.

So how did the police catch him? How did they manage to indict the gang kingpin? Hard work, research, solid detecting - probably, but the word is the case was broken by someone turning on the Disciples. Someone high-ranked, no doubt, who was able to pin tthirty counts of murder on the previously untouchable Mitchell. This rat likely walked away with a slap on the wrist. The question is not should we jail scum like Mitchell, but at what cost? Ten years ago, New York sold its soul to put John Gotti away, but let loose a confessed multiple murderer named Sammy Gravano to do so. Lets hope our boys in blue haven't made the same error...
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/12                                  Posted           Author
European Vampire Hunters                 Sun Nov  9    Zachary
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Vampires - the bloodsuckers of legend, that exist in darkness and feed off man. These menaces are more than just literary fantasy, or hokey local myths. To a division of Interpol, they are all too real. INTERFANG is a select group of men and women whose main objective is to rid the world of these supernatural evils that stalk the night. According to highly secret statistics, the heroes of Interfang have laid waste to 17 vampires so far this year, and have staked over 200 since their inception as an official branch of Interpol in 1990.

One operative agreed to be interviewed on condition of anonymity, and will be referred to only as 'Robert' in this article. Robert says that the legends of vampires are all too real, as he has personally slain six bloodsuckers since joining Interfang last June. "The trick is getting close enough to stake the bastards," he says. "That stuff about garlic is just an old wives' tale, they could care less. A friend of mine found out the hard way..." Robert outlines the weaknesses of the undead - exposure to sunlight, an aversion to holy symbols, especially crosses and holy water. And of course, the stake throught the heart that slays the beast.

Interfang has agents across the globe, searching for evidence of the undead. Their mission to destroy all vampires is ongoing, and their quest needs aid. Robert says that vampires are getting better at hiding from their prying eyes, but there is always a way to catch them. "They hate humans, they look at us as only food, or cattle." He gets a stern look in his eyes, one that gives this reporter pause. "But we'll get em, and send them straight back to hell!"

Interfang has established a worldwide hotline, if you have any information on a vampire, or have witnessed any other paranormal attack. Call 1-800-VAMPIRE, and leave a voicemail message. The call is 100 percent confidential. Do your part, help Interfang win the war against vampirism.
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/13                              Posted          Author
Child Killer Strikes Again!              Sun Nov  9    Zachary
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The serial killer that has been preying on the young girls of New Orleans, has struck again. The brutally murdered body of a child, as yet unidentified, was found in the apartment of NOPD Detective Barry McDunna on March 31. McDunna, the primary investigator on the crimes, was threatened during an on-air interview on WWOZ by the presumed killer, who promised that the next one would be for him.

Authorities are keeping the details quiet on this case, but impressions are that the killer was sloppy on this one, hopefully leading to his or her capture. Previously, the victims had been molested and posed in sick mockeries of sexual situations. Whether this victim was given the same treatment is unclear, and the police had no comment.

U.S. Marshall Gregory Jackson is said to be working on a profile for this killer. Judging by his impeccable reputation in such cases, an accurate picture of the murderer should be forthcoming. Again, if you have any clues or tips, please contact the authorities at the NOPD.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/14                            Posted            Author
Oddities from Orleans                  Tue Nov 25    Zachary
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Myths, legends, folklore. Tales told round the campfire, fables passed down for generations. The old stories of vampires, mummies, the abominable snowman, and Jack the Ripper. Scary mysteries all, and not nearly as far from the truth as normal, quiet society would have you believe. Two tales from the Crescent City, submitted for your approval:

VAMPIRE TAKEN DOWN IN BEIGHT'S MOTEL

 A foul beast from beyond the grave invaded the Beight's Motel on the night of May 3rd. Dressed in all-black and leather, a man that can only be described as a vampire was taken down by police, after assaulting a NOPD detective in the halls of the hotel. Detective Alan Longstreet encountered the man in the hall, after he was shouting like a madman. The man, registered to the hotel for the past week as one Tristan Smith, lunged at the officer, who had no choice but to discharge his firearm. Wounded by bulletfire, Smith gnashed his teeth, baring fangs! He sank his bestial maw into the neck of Detective Longstreet, attempting to drain the very lifeblood from the brave officer. By intervention of a swat team, the vampire Smith was taken into custody, riddled with bullets, bleeding profusely from the gut, but still alive! Longstreet was unavailable for comment. As a sidenote, a Beight's Hotel clerk confirms that Smith's room had its windows covered with aluminum foil.

CHILD KILLER POSSESSED BY MAD SPIRIT

The mystery of the New Orleans child killer has eluded authorities for months now, with no apparent break in sight, and casualties continuing to mount. What the police may be overlooking, what the secret of this fiendish monster may be, is that he, she, or it, may not be human at all.

According to mystics, spirits from beyond the grave can and do have effects on the living world. It may be possible for such spirits to inhabit the bodies of living beings, pulling their strings like a puppet. Could the city be the victim of a ghost bent on fulfilling its evil quest for death, even beyond his own?

Long-time residents of New Orleans would recall the butcher known as Malachi Cuvier. This fiend was found to have kidnapped and murdered seven elderly women, burying them beneath his home, before he was killed by authorities in the early seventies. What if this monster was unfinished with his business? What if he was a restless dead, determined to continue his murderous spree, even after his own demise?

The WWI joins the rest of the city in clamoring for the capture of the serial killer. We wish nothing less than his, (or its) immediate capture. But if clues are not forthcoming, even with a reward in the tens of thousands, maybe we are forced to look elsewhere for answers.
 
 

1998 POSTS

Message: 17/15                    Posted            Author
Summer Scorchers                    Fri Dec 12      Zachary
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WOMAN REMARRIES HUSBAND - 10 YEARS AFTER HIS DEATH!

Marilyn LaFrantz, of Des Moines, Iowa, was legally remarried to her ex-husband Jerome, in a civil ceremony May 23rd, 1999. The only complication - Jerome LaFrantz died of a massive heart attack shortly after their divorce in 1989! Asked her reasons for such an odd marriage, Marilyn told the WWI, "I've always felt a certain amount of guilt over Jerry's death. We had a messy divorce, and the stress got to him, I think....I just felt I owed it to his memory, to give him back the years we missed together." Judge Raymont Atwater presided over the ceremony, and refused to comment on the validity of the union, saying only, "All weddings are bliss under God, and who am I to question His purpose?" The ceremony was held at Union Park Cemetary, with the reception at the local Sveden House. At this point, the happy couple has no plans for children.

CONTROVERSY IN NOPD - DETECTIVE BOUNCES BACK

Controversy is no stranger to the New Orleans Police Department, or any department in the nation, for that matter. Recent events have tested the mettle of one local detective, who appears to be riding the storm admirably. On May 18, Detective Alan Longstreet allegedly shot a man under his custody, one Gabriel Hamlin. Following the shooting, Longstreet purportedly fled into the swamps, acting under all accounts irrationally. Hamlin was taken to Elks Medical Center, with a severe leg injury, and may never walk again. Longstreet freely admitted to the incident, claiming mental distress as his reason. The detective reportedly resigned his post, a maneuver that was rejected by his superiors - he is still active on the force.

Ordinarily, an incident of this type would spell the end of any career. But rumors have it that things may not be as simple as all this. Detective Raphael Stewart, a colleague of Longstreet's at the NOPD, believes the incident may have been a set-up, an attempt to discredit the pristine reputation of the incorruptible Longstreet. Even through such adversity, Longstreet has bounced back strong, as he and his colleagues showed the other night.

  <see next story>

BURNING CROSSES ON RIVER ROAD

Residents of the Fenoris Mansion were shocked Tuesday night, June 8, to find a grisly sight on the front lawn. An unidentified person was nailed to a cross, set ablaze in a horrifying scene.  / As the police arrived, led by Detective Thistle Moon and Sergeant Margaret Cullen, the perpetrators were still hiding in the woods, taunting the cops, eluding them at every turn. Det. Moon suffered a gunshot wound in an exchange, and was taken to Elks, where she should recover. Sgt. Cullen, and later, Det. Alan Longstreet, ventured into the dangerous fracas, attempting to bring in the sickos responsible. From accounts, it appears two or three teens were involved, drunk and high. One was apprehended by Longstreet, ranting and raving, claiming the detective would eat him. The other(s) escaped capture by detonating cheap, homemade incendiaries, mildly injuring Sgt. Cullen in the process. Police are still searching for the escaped menaces, a gruesome tale in this dark night.
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/16                       Posted          Author
Mired in Controversy              Fri Dec 12    Zachary
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In yet another tale of big government trying to squeeze out the little guy, The Army Corps of Engineers is attempting to convert local swampland into a man-made lake, thereby threatening the entire ecosystem of the Louisiana Delta. Honey Island, owned by Doctor Paul Wagner, is the target for this unmitigated attack, which the ACE wishes to convert, under the Mississippi Silt Control Project. Dr. Wagner says he has not been offered a fair price for the land, and won't sell anyway, considering his view that the proposed lake would be disastrous. In his words, "An eco-geological system such as the delta...is a delicate puzzle. Slow, gradual changes like the creation of (the city of)New Orleans can be absorbed, but they are talking about adding a lake one-third the size of Lake Pontchartrain in a little under a year. The ramifications of this drastic change cannot possibly be conceived, especially by the progress-blinded mechanics of the (ACE)."

An unofficial organization, dubbed the Honey Island Swamp Crusade, has been established. Anyone with interest in this cause, or who might be willing to lend a hand, should contact Aynjul Brown, care of this paper. Everyone in the delta should be interested in this case, for if Dr. Wagner's land goes, whose might be next, all in the name of progress?
 
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/17                     Posted           Author
Tales of the bizarre.               Sun Dec 21    Zachary
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WEREWOLF DOCTOR CAN REMOVE THE CURSE

Lycanthropy - the curse of the werewolf, has plagued many the unwary who turns into a bestial man-wolf at the light of the full moon. Through history, these poor, cursed souls have been shunned and feared, with no help in sight. Until now, that is. In Belagorda, Latvia, a researcher has determined what actually causes the curse, and has developed a serum to cure affected victims. Dr. Valery Tepestrovitch, of the Latvian Lycanthrope Institute, was able to capture a beam of moonlight, and distill it into a medicative mixture, which he says can control the onslaught of lycanthropy. "It is moonlight that controls this beast," he stated, "And it is the moonlight in the blood that must be removed." Dr. Tepestrovitch first developed this serum five years ago, and has successfully reverted eight werewolves.

HE'S THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD - AND A CANNIBAL!

Researchers into the nature of intelligence were astounded to find Martin de la Vera, a Colombian man who tested off every known IQ chart, and is estimated to be the smartest man in the world! Following a battery of tests, scientists believe de la Vera to have the most advanced intellect measured in human history, as he easily handled any sort of demonstration. Rumors have it he may even have developed a sort of empathy, or telepathy, often knowing the answers to questions before they were even asked. "This sort of intelligence and mental acuity is unheard of ... I'm at a loss to explain it." said head researcher Dianne Jefferson. But according to those close to the situation, de la Vera has a dark secret behind his amazing abilities - he devoured human brains!

Police in Bogota investigated de la Vera's home after complaints from neighbors about stray dogs wandering nearby while de la Vera was being tested. They found a shocking discovery - dozens of human remains, each with their brains missing! When questioned on this horrific find, de la Vera admitted to his foul deeds, claiming he was able to inreased his own intellect by eating human brains. He said he could absorb memories, knowledge, almost like a sponge, from each of his victims. Judging by his results, it was successful, but now, Martin de la Vera is the smartest man on death row, as Colombian officals will execute him sometime within the next year.
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/18                             Posted         Author
The Seedy Side of Summer           Sun Jan  4    Zachary
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MAN CLEANS GARAGE FOR FIRST TIME IN DECADES - FINDS FORTUNE!

Emmitt P. Lansing, of Sarasota Springs, Florida, is a wealthy man today. not because he played the stock market, or retired to a lucrative pension, but because he had put off for twenty-three years doing what most every American homeowner does at least once a year - cleaning the garage! <Attached is picture of Mr. Lansing standing in front of several piles of items, all labeled with current worths> After being nagged for years by his wife Thelma to clean their garage, Emmitt Lansing, 63, finally broke down and ventured out there when his grandson, Loomis, 17, asked if Grandpa still had his old bicycle. Together, the Lansings spent the next three weeks cleaning out every corner of that garage,. and were about to throw everything away, when Loomis noticed a shoebox of old baseball cards, including a 1952 Topps Mickey Mantle card that would sell at auction for over $100,000! More items were found, an antique dealer was called, and the Lansings soon discovered that they had a small fortune of collectibles and antiques in their garage. All told, the spring cleaning cashed in at a sparkling half- million dollars!

RATBOY SIGHTED AT SENIOR PROM!

The tireless search for Rat Boy continues! We here at the WWI are relieved to find that he seems to be doing quite well for himself, recently showing up at a local high school senior prom. The John F. Kennedy High prom held many surprises in store for those in attendance, not the least of which was the presence of the one and only Rat Boy. <attached is a picture, blurry, hard to make out, of a smooth, featureless head, with only slits for eyes and a mouth. He is dressed in a tuxedo, and dancing with a young blond in a chiffon dress. It's an extreme close-up, grainy from multiple blowups> We here at the WWI wish Rat Boy all the best, until he meets his very own Rat Girl?
 
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/19                   Posted           Author
Crime beat                         Wed Jan  7      Zachary
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JEWEL THIEVES STEAL MILLIONS, THEN SHOP AT STORE THE NEXT DAY

In Hoboken, New Jersey, two jewel thieves were able to walk out of a jewelry store with millions of dollars worth of gems, only to return to the scene of the crime the very next day, during store hours! Hoboken police state that Jimmy Cullen, 21, and Bo Washington, 19, broke into Hansford Jewelers on the night of June 2nd, and nearly emptied the display cases of valuable jewelry, such as diamond pendants, solid gold watches, and countless other precious items. Fortunately, security cameras were able to record Cullen and Washington pulling off their dirty deed, and police figured it would be only a matter of time to catch them. Little did they realize just how short a time.... The next afternoon, the shopowner, open for business, even after the theft, saw two very familiar faces enter the store. He recognized Cullen and Washington instantly from the surveillance video, and discreetly called the police, who swiftly arrived, and arrested the men with no struggle. When asked why they returned to the scenc, Washington had this to say, "Hey, we thought we'd see what else they had, maybe do a little shopping, man."

ASSAULT ON BOURBON STREET

In the late afternoon of July 31, 1999, two shots were fired in an alleyway between Bourbon and Royal. Officer Killion Destone, of the NOPD, was first on the scene, and called in backup to keep the crowds from getting too close. What he didn't know was that one man, Dusty Aires, had already taken it upon himself to help, however he could. Aires was able to bring a wounded, teenage girl (unidentified at press time) from the alleyway, and get her to medical attention. Detective Alan Longstreet followed into the alleyway, and apprehended the assailant, a local drug dealer known as 'Dek'. No further information was available at this time.
 
 
 

Message: 17/20                       Posted           Author
Lock Your Doors!                  Sun Jan 11     Zachary
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GOVERNMENT HYPNOTIZES IOWA TOWN

Town officials in Leiberville, Iowa, recently uncovered a plot by the US government that had involved hypnotizing all 1,200 citizens of the small Midwestern town! Mayor Dutch Bradley, a lifelong resident of Lieberville, made the accusation after the entire third grade class at Deacon Elementary recorded a perfect attendance for the entire school year, and each child received a B-minus grade. "That just ain't natural," Mayor Bradley said. "They're poisoning the water, I tell ya! Making us do all kinds of odd things." Other examples of bizarre local behavior include: All citizens over the age of fifty spontaneously rising at three in the morning to use the restroom, causing massive sewage difficulties; every clock in town being set fourteen minutes fast; and triple coupons every Tuesday at the supermarket. Locals claim the odd events all began when the local television station began airing rerund of "Who's the Boss?" three times a night, five nights a week. Oddly enough, it is the highest rated show in the town's viewing area.

MAN EATS MANEATER

In the savannahs of Zimbabwe, a safari guide saved his tourists from an attack by a deadly, maneating lion .... by slaying, then devouring the beast! Mbwebe Ntuku, a veteran safari guide who has made hundreds of trips through the wilds of Africa, was taking a tour of three Americans, and two Britishers, through the dangerous underbrush of Zimbabwe. When suddenly, they were set upon by a savage, hungry lion! Ntuku, a brave soul indeed, jumped to the defense of his clients, and managed to kill the lion, with his rifle. Then, to the shock of all on the safari, he leapt upon the lion, and tore off bits of its flesh with his teeth, as the body lay cooling! Ntuku claims that eating the warm flesh of a fresh kill is good for the soul, though it was unknown whether any of his party continued on the safari.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/21                    Posted           Author
Unlucky breaks                    Sun Jan 18     Zachary
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MUMMY'S CURSE STRIKES TOUR!

By Sidney Williams, WWI staffer

The hideous curse of the mummy has returned, with full vengeance! And now, can anyone be safe? Brave, and foolish, explorers may have unleashed the full vengeance of a centuries old curse, all in the name of archaeology! On a trip to Egypt, a few months back, sponsored by New Orleans' own Museum of Art, a troupe of would-be Indiana Joneses delved into a tomb, removing a mummy's sarcophagus from its depths. Were this just any ordinary mummy, the story might end there, and you would be viewing the results of this expedition in the comforts of your local museum...But this was a cursed, undead mummy, disturbed from its long sleep!

The mummy blinded the site, and walked away from its sarcophagus, disappearing into the desert night! But we have not heard the last of this mummy, for his curse has begun taking its deadly toll. First, Annah DeGardia, Tulane student, and member of this expedition, disappeared without a trace from her New Orleans apartment. Police still have no leads as to where Miss DeGardia is, or what occurred.

An isolated incident? Then regard one Benjamin Trask, security detail for this ill-fated trip. He was first accused of theft and assault on the very patrons he was hired to protect, and vanished as a fugitive. Only to be gunned down in Rio de Janeiro this past week. Accidental death, they say. We know better. To those still remaining from this trip, including this very reporter, I say, watch your step. I know I will. The mummy's curse can strike anywhere, anytime.

 

Message: 17/22                       Posted            Author
Midsummer Night's Rambling   Wed Jan 21    Zachary
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BEAUTY OF THE RIDE
by Dusty Aires

The Weekly World Insider is proud to present a journal of one man's trek of self-discovery, and the journey he takes to get there. Dusty Aires will be sending photos and letters, from a back-to-basics trip, which begins this week on the mighty Mississippi River.

Long days, quiet nights. Thought about things as i made the deal to get on this old barge i'm on now. Gonna go north on the Mississippi for a while, earn some money, see the world. Sorry for the quick goodbye. I didn't want anyone to try and change my mind because i think this is what i need. A sort of chrysalis of my mind. You know? I'm sitting on the edge of the boat, letting my feet dangle over the side. I look down into the muddy waters, silent. My eyes are wide open tonight and the smell of the river, the call of the gentle waves we make with our wake draws me far away from anything that might be happening in the rest of the world. Life on the barge is slow, just got to make sure things stay tied right and that's about it. The real work comes when we have to unload. That's not for a while though. The captain says we're going to stop in St. Louis, then on to Quincy, Illinois. I can't wait to see the Gateway Arch, will send a picture. I've been taking some shots here on the river, we're about halfway to St. Louis. The captain thinks i'm nuts for taking so many pics, but hell, it's stuff i ain't seen before. Thought you'd like to know where i was and what i was doing. More to come later. The river calls and so does my stomach. I still don't know who i am, but the name on my I.D. says it all.. Dusty Aires.

<Attached to the article are two pictures: One where Dusty is standing on the edge of a barge full of grain wearing a pair of dirty coveralls, a handful being tossed to the wind with a quiet smile and a long lost look in his eyes. The grainy black and white shot sort of hits you with it's amateur ways. The other is of The River Queen. An old barge boat, fairly nondescript. Also in black and white. It somehow seems majestic in its simplicity.
 

WWI MOURNS LOSS OF STAFFER by Zachary Woods

The Weekly World Insider would like to take this opportunity to remember longtime staffer, and photographic ace, Sidney Williams. Sid was killed in a senseless automobile accident this past week, doing what he did best - hunting down a story, taking the picture. He was a remarkable talent, known world over for his work for the National Geographic, and was considered one of the best nature photographers in the business. And, he was also my friend. When I first met Sid, we were both young, hotshots in New York City, with no reputation to back us, just the bare proof of our dedication and talent. We went through wars, famines, politics, and just about every major story there is together. There isn't anything Sid wouldn't do for you, no favor he would refuse. And when he came to work for the Insider, you knew you were getting top quality work, from a top notch man. I'd just like to extend this personal thank you to the memory of my old friend. Thanks, Sid. We'll all miss you.
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/23                           Posted            Author
The Beauty of the Ride, part 2     Mon Jan 26    Zachary
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By Dusty Aires

The mighty Mississippi rolls on beneath me. Wind flits around my face, the cool night breeze. St. Louis is lit up like a bejewelled city of wonder and i watch it as we approach. The rumbling engine sputters a little, somebody yells, a loud clang and we're back up and running. The old Queen's still got it. I'm dirty, haven't bathed in a couple days but it doesn't matter much. The other guys on the boat call me the Dreamer cuz that's what they think i'm doing all the time. Daydreaming. Maybe i am. I see restless spirits all up and down the river, especially at night. The mournful cries of long lost lives mix in with the rippling water. We pass by Lover's Leap and i can almost see the young Indian girl who leapt off there because she could not be with her lover, a young fur trader. She's weeping, pointing at me and asking why, why can't she find him? I tell her perhaps he's moved on to a better place. I feel for her. The boat trudges by and i forget her, trying to put her image out of my head. The captian offers me a pipe, i've taken to it like young Sam Clemens on big riverboat, steaming northward.

Sometimes i like to think there's more out there than this. I bet there is and that' what i intend to do, find it. This is the stuff that lives were lost over so long ago. St. louis looms. In the morning i take a picture of the arch for you. Have you ever seen it? It's majestic, silvery, like a portal to another land. The Gateway to the West. Back when going West meant something. It's all there in its splendor. The choking fumes of the factory cannot disquiet it!

We pull in, unload. Hard work you know, will prolly come back a bigger man for it. I never thought myself the musclebound type anyhow. After unloading we head further upriver. Going about 150 miles up to Hannibal, hometown of Mark Twain. Going to stay over there one night. Think it will be a much needed refresher. Bath, good meal, beer. One i smuggled aboard, but it went too fast. Maybe I'll learn something of life in Hannibal. St. Louis taught me about the spirit of adventure. It's still there, still alive. I'm living it, man, I'm finally living it. My love to those that want it back there in N'awlins. As ever, Dusty.

Pic 1: Dusty sitting on the aft end of the barge boat, pipe in mouth, holding it with one hand. Unshaven, greasy hair blowing wildly in the wind. The St. Louis Arch does loom behind him, framing. caption: "Gateway to the West"

Pic 2: A high cliff on the rfact that i'm just traveling around. A lot of hospitable people here. No big city politics, no crime (except the occasional drunken brawl).

 
 
 

Message: 17/24                       Posted            Author
Tales of the Unexplained          Mon Jan 26    Zachary
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SCHOOL SPIRIT?

Students at Rockville, Illinois' Pearson High School are riding high in prep athletics, an unprecedented undefeated seasons in all major sports, both girl's and boy's.... The likes of which the state of Illinois has never seen. But no coach, no player, no student, is surprised by the success - they attribute it to hard work, practice, and a special ace in the hole - the ghost of a school hero! Randy Aisling was a star, the best in the state at basketball, and baseball, and no slouch on the football field. But his promising future was cut down needlessly when he was killed by a drunk driver last summer. The whole city of Rockville, and all of Pearson High, was saddened, but they promised that Randy's spirit would live on... little did they know. Randy's locker was kept the way he left it, but teammates noticed that it would find its way unlocked, that wet towels would be in it, after practices, that Randy's uniform was dirtied after games, just as if he was still playing. Then, the seasons started, first football. The miraculous 60-yard field goal to beat arch-rival Garrison High, was the first hint, the ball just seemed to be carried across the posts... Amazing fortune followed in all walks of Pearson athletic life - half-court shots at the buzzer, bursts of speed and stamina in swim meets, and track events, unstoppable pitching and hitting in the baseball/softball seasons. Everyone knew who was helping - it was Randy Aisling, back to help his alma mater, who had helped and cared for him. Each athlete at Pearson has Randy's number 23 sewn onto their varsity jackets, and a moment of silence is observed for him before every game. Said athletic director Bo Hangenfelter, "Randy Aisling is still the best damn athlete this school has."

PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING CAN RAISE YOUR IQ!

 The 'sport' of professional wrestling, long maligned as simply a pandering to the lowest common denominator in the human psyche - staged violence, harkening back to the days of bloody Roman gladiators - may actually make you smarter, says a new study from the University of Georgia. Dr. Harley Brazile, the lead researcher on the project, said he studied the effects of repeated watchings of wrestling pay-per-view specials, and the weekly cable programs, on a series of students at the university. Noting this as the only change in their normal habits, in fact, reducing their usual study time, the students nevertheless improved their grades by an average of +0.5 for the term, and performed remarkably well on a tests conducted by Dr. Brazile. "Apparently we dismiss this as savage barbarism, but perhaps there is a great deal of hidden knowledge to be gleaned from the sport of professional wrestling. We may have only hit the iceberg of its potential.... If wrestling can produce these results, imagine the impact of boxing, or even toughman competitions!" said Brazile, and confirmed that he had received a federal grant to continue his studies.. Next up, studies of wrestling interviews - can they be therapeutic?

 
 
 
 

Message: 17/25                         Posted         Author
Beauty of the Ride, part 3          Sat Jan 31    Zachary
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by Dusty Aires

I'm in Paris! Minus the Eiffel tower. Minus the Louvre. Minus the snotty french guys.I've found Paris, Missouri. A quiet little nowhere town about 50 miles west of Hannibal, got off the boat there. Hannibal was great. Saw Mark Twain's boyhood home. A little place, sad tourist trap. Could've swore i saw him sitting there in that living room but then i looked again and realized it was just a statue. Had a big meal at the Mark Twain Dinette, onion rings as big as my head, freid catfish, big mug of homestyle beer, frothy. I cashed in the check from my short stint as a bargeman, $250. It's not gonna last forever, but it'll do. Met an interesting guy from this sleepy town, Parisian, i alway joke with him. He has one of those lazy small town smiles, talks about cars and women and beer. Going to put me up at his parents for a week, introduce me to a girl. Will be going to Mark Twain Lake to see the sights and fish. Little towns we passed through, Perry, Monroe City, and even a little town that doesn't really exist anymore except for a small town church and a few farmers, Goss. Supposedly, i learn from an old timer in front of the courthouse on bench, smoking, Goss used to be a nice little place. Had a gas station and everything he tells me. I'd forgotten how small smalltown America can really be.

Everyone seems interested in the fact that i'm just traveling around. A lot of hospitable people here. No big city politics, no crime (except the occasional drunken brawl). No big deal. I was drawn to the courthouse's little museum about the local area. There's a Norman Rockwell picture here that was painted in this little town. Amazed, i go to see it. The Small Town Paper i think it was called. Nice work. Jonesy's is the best place for a greasy plate special and a real cherry Coke, old time style. It's like this town was never really caught up in the rest of the world. I'll leave here in a few days, going to wander around, taking more pictures for you. You got to leave that big city a while, this is amazing. They almost literally roll up the sidewalks after 8 o'clock. Families all in their homes, eating supper around the table. Feasted on homemade chicken and biscuits tonight. I wonder had i grown up here what i'd be like. Somewhat sad, this place. Some of these people never get out of here. Some never want to. Maybe i can understand why. The Dreamer, somewhere in Missouri. Dusty.

Pic 1: Dusty stands clean shaven, a pair of jeans and a plain white t-shirt. His leather jacket draped over one shoulder and backpack over the other. A small crowd of people, a freckle faced girl in her late teens with arm around Dusty, a young looking guy (similar age) with long black hair in a tough guy pose, and another girl (late teens as well) at the tough guy's feet, all grinning and standing in front of a grandoise Courthouse with a few scattered benches in front. Caption: "The Parisian's"

Pic 2:An old timer, overweight, shirt and slacks leftovers from the 70's. Something youthful about his smile, thick locks of grey hair that look unkempt. He stands in front of a dried up cement goldfish pond in from of the same courthouse. A wistful look in his eyes. Caption: "Rev. Siron of Goss, MO"

 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/26                        Posted         Author
Beauty of the Ride, part 4         Thu Feb  5    Zachary
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by Dusty Aires

Left Paris at dawn. Kissed the girl goodbye, it would never last. I don't belong there. She asked me to stay but i'm not ready to settle down. I need to find myself. Got her and my newfound friend's address, more people to write to! Was picked up by the oldtimer's son, a truck driver. He said he'd take me as far as Lake Ozark, Missouri. Heading southward now. The big old tractor trailer rumbles down the highway and i feel as safe as a baby in momma's arms. We get up and fly down the road, light truck driver style country music about the road and pretty wimmen pumping through the speakers, we sing along. Six days on the road and i'm gonna make it home tonight. Good song, gives me an appreciation for this life. He passes me a stick of beef jerky and i sip the soda resting between my legs. Tells me he's got a son in the Navy stationed in Ko-rea. That's how he says it. He tells me how his son never writes, wished he would. Kinda makes me sad, but he lets it pass. We talk more about me, and more about him. I learn that all he's ever done is drive trucks, knows the highways more than he knows himself he says. A sort of highway poet. Simplistic, rustic. A Vietnam War vet, getting too old to drive anymore, but dunno what else he's gonna do. I tell him that he ought to keep on driving until they drag him out of that seat. He likes that. He said he's been down to New Orleans once on his motorcycle for Mardis Gras and i try to steer clear of that topic, unwilling to tell him that it's not always like that down there. We pull into a truckstop to have a bite to eat. Truck stop food, i've learned is probably the best eating on the planet. Reasonable prices, heaping helpings, it's good.. it's hot.. and it's brown. Beef and corn and green beans and mashed potato lump on the side with brown gravy. A slice of fresh apple pie after. So much Americana. Even the waitress is stereotypically pert and busty, smiles for miles and calls everyone sweetie. I resist the urge to call her Flo. Back on the road. After about 4 hours driving he tells me this is my stop. We make our goodbyes and he forces a twenty on me, telling me if i were his son, he'd do the same. I accept the money knowing full well what a dent that is in the old guy's pocket, feels sad. He drives away and i turn to see my newest environs, a small tourist town on the edge of Lake Ozark. Osage Beach, Mo. Tourist Americana in all it's gaudiness. I've found the post office, thinking of coming home. Homesick and missing you, Dusty.

Pic1: An overweight middle aged man with a Burt Reynolds moustache and a black Stetson cowboy hat. Dressed in a button down shirt, jeans, and snakeskin cowboy boots. A big friendly smile as he rests one foot on the fender of his big black rig. Caption: "The truck drivin' man."

Pic2: Shot of Dusty with a mouthful of pie, brown cowboy hat on his head and an empty playe before him. A silly grin on his face and to the left side you can make out the shape of a waitress. Caption:"One more slice of Americana, please."
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/27                           Posted           Author
The mummy strikes again?           Thu Feb 12    Zachary
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Call it a curse, call it coincidence, call it what you will. But the strange phenomena involving the ill-fated Egyptian trip of this past May, sponsored by the New Orleans Museum of Art, has two new additions.

Late one evening last week, a local couple was surprised to find, in the Lelong Avenue City Park, a twenty-five foot long anaconda! Not just was this snake loose in the park, but it had a large swelling in its belly - a man-sized swelling. Authorites were called into the scene, and recovered the snake. After analysis of the contents of its belly, along with circumstantial evidence, the NOPD positively identified the remains of one Dr. Emerson Davies, who had been swallowed by the anaconda at least a day before the snake was found. Dr. Davies had been unheard from for a few days prior to the discovery, last seen at the Museum, which is adjoining the park... his cane, which he was never seen without, was found underneath the snake. Davies, co-curator of the museum, and in charge of the Egyptian exhibit, was one of the trip's coordinators. He was a graduate of Cambridge, 41 years old, single, and left no known relatives behind.

And last week, another member of the expedition met his fate. Maximilian Giovanni was found in the woods outside his home, stately Fenoris Mansion. It appears he had been struck by lightning, a few days, perhaps a week, before the discovery was made by one of his housemates. Giovanni was a graduate student at UNO, a well-liked young man about town.

This brings the count of missing or deceased members of that Egyptian expedition to five, in the six months since the trip. Whether any of this is connected to the disappearance of the mummy from that site, is unknown. Perhaps coincidence, perhaps not. Arrangements for the two late men have been made, contact the paper for details on funerals, and condolence cards.
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/28                   Posted          Author
Pop art              ;                Thu Feb 12    Zachary
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PAINTING DRIVES VIEWERS INSANE!

An exhibit at the St. Louis Contemporary Art Museum had to be pulled after only one week, due to reports that one, or more, of the items on display was giving visitors nightmares! The museum's exhibit director, Miss Jeneane Garber, stated she received more than a dozen complaints about a charcoal drawing, done by a Boston artist named Walter Pickman. The offending artwork was unavailable for review by this reporter, but one of the complainants was willing to speak with us. Ralph Brewster, a well-known art patron, had this to say about the work, entitled, 'Pickman's Model'.... "It was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen, and to put such, such, blasphemy on display.... why it's beyond me." Brewster reported that his wife began having uncontrollable chills after viewing the piece, and he himself has had recurring nightmares about ghoulish creatures under his floorboards. Miss Garber, of the museum, did not comment on content of the work, only to say, "We fully support the artistic vision of Mr. Pickman, but in deference to public opinion, will not be supporting the exhibit further." Pickman himself was unavailable for comment.

TOOTH DECAY LINKED TO IMPOTENCE

According to recent studies by the Delaware Health Council, it appears that impotence may just be linked to dental hygiene. The studies state that of men who have kept up on regular dental checkups, and have reported no cavities, the rate of impotence is under 10%, staggeringly low in regards to national statistics. Among those who floss, the number plummets to under 5%.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/29                   Posted         Author
Life in New Orleans            Fri Feb 20    Zachary
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by Dusty Aires

The streets of this city offer no consolation, no door prize for second best. No reassuring looks from the eyes of the average person on the street. All one sees are the distracted glances to the side, trying to look away from the filth that lies in the underbelly of the city we love so dear, so fondly. I've seen the filth, I've lived the filth. Sure, every angsty muther on the street thinks they've got a story to beat mine. Maybe they do, but out here, who cares?

Nights are lonely, dark, cold as the wind that howls across the riverbanks. Litter strewn streets that the tourists never see. Decadent 14 year old girls having sex for money that even they won't see all of. All the while, the pimps get richer. The drug pushers get richer. The poor get poorer unless they shift their attentions to the seething crime ridden infestations and play patsy to their every whim. This is what i see of yr lovely city, New Orleans. This is the heartbeat of reality, staring you in the face like yr dead mother, bullet hole in her skull and blood on yr shirt. You didn't do it, but you saw it. This is the city i see. This is the little girl you saw drunk on the sidewalk, making yr snide remarks about how such trash should be put out of its misery, while you walked to the nearest bar to get yr date drunk so you could get laid. This is the paradise i see. This is the alleyway, bloodstains on the walls of the brick building, where a girl got gunned down and never thanked you for saving her. This is my city. Oh, and this, this is the greatest yet. These are the friends that kick you when yr down only because yr starved for attention, needing of love, wanting only to give out the care that you have and the affection you keep pent up inside yr heart for that special someone. This is the sweet slow drawl of N'awlins, the sickening sweetness of it all. Screw you, screw yr pretentiousness. You and yr horrible pained lives. Did you sleep in a bed tonight? Did you have to worry about waking up with yr throat slit in the moonlit park? Was there someone waiting for you when you got home?

Creation takes place on the seedy side of the tracks too you know. New worlds are formed in the daydreaming minds of those with no place to go, nothing to do. Shiftless vagabonds, you call us. Self made dreamers we call ourselves, dreaming of a better life. Some say we complain too much, we're not the center of the world. Oh but we are the center of the world. We always have been. There has always been a majority lower class. You are the minority. You are the ones who are outnumbered. What if we rose up, threatened to storm yr palaces with our stinky breath, stained rags for clothes, and tracked mud in on yr fine white carpet, eating Chef Boyardee we dug from yr trash on yr fine china? What if our whores, mere kids themselves, made it with yr kids, giving them a new perspective on life, discounting the damn cabbage patch theory? Urban cowboys, roaming the range that you in yr ivory towers have built for us. A desert like any other. We're just here to herd you along, folks. Pardon us while we offend you....
 
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/30                   Posted        Author
Wake up, New Orleans            Thu Feb 26    Zachary
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --
by Dusty Aires

Another night in this lonely ol' town of N'awlins. People come and go and everything changes, but really stays the same. I've been asked about the way i write. Some people call it filth, negative, and badly spelt. I call it real. Anyhow, yr trusty Dusty has been at it again. Crashed the big gala event of the season, the Masquerade Ball. Did you honestly think i would pass this event up, invited or not? There i was in all my fine accoutrements, outfitted in the latest of wandering poet styles, watching the watchers as it may be. They danced, they drank, they threw around big money in the name of charity, and they even had a weird play with a screaming bloody naked guy. What more could you ask for? The champagne was free, thank god. Otherwise i might never have survived.

As for costumes, this year the pirate thing seemed to be the thing to do. I must have seen half a dozen, at least. Perhaps there was a ship in and i didn't know it. Another fave was the artsy, who-are-you-supposed-to-be look. You know, the one with obscure literary references? I unfortunately was without my encyclopedia. But fine jobs, nonetheless. The sleek and sexy look was there, the mysterious, the brash. All under one roof of money and power. Can you smell the green in the air? I could. It was like walking into Scrooge McDuck's money bin, all the pretty boys and fashion victims schmoozing and smooching. Of course all this money went to a good cause, it always goes to a good cause. Of course, half the time it's not the cause we're looking for, like save the swamplands or feed the homeless. But nobody's perfect, even the elite of society. Enough of the misinformed backbiting you say? Let me show you my softer side.

The highlight of the evening for this brave young writer was the dance. All through our lives we look for that perfect dancing partner, as an old and dear friend put it. We all need that special person, the one that dances right along with us, keeping the relationship going. I found me a dancing partner, even if only for a lingering moment. A sexy, forbidden seductress with the face of a cat. Her eyes mesmerized me, her touch astounded me. I tried to speak and she put her finger to my lips, silencing me. It was as if she knew how to control my every action. As i staggered along out on that dance floor, listening to pledges in the ten's of thousands (oh you pretty rich boys and gals), i could only focus on one thing, her. She still stalks my dreams, haunting me. Mystery Lady, who are you? I've written a poem for you, if yr out there. Come to me and i'll recite it for you. I'm still a free man, despite rumors, and i'd be yrs for the taking. I'm not as bad as they make me out to be love. I'm merely vocal about my opinions while others cringe. No one listens to the whispering man. I make this vow to you before the whole world. Come to me Mystery Lady, I won't disappoint.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Message: 17/31                        Posted        Author
Mystery Lady responds            Sun Mar  1    Zachary
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Last week, our own Dusty Aires put out a call, to the mystery dance partner of his at the Halloween gala. We received many letters, claiming to be this woman, but one stood out, and rang true. This letter, that follows:

A Dance At Midnight

Dreams come and dreams go. Some are beautiful, and some are hideous. Some inspire us to reach for heaven while others urge us to hide under our blankets. But what are they really? Insubstantial fantasies, thin as mist, and just as prone to fade in the light of morning. Cherished memories. Dreaded events.

Clinging to dreams is never a good idea, for the harder you cling the more they slip away. Tis better to hold the beautiful in your heart and treasure them while relegating the horrid to oblivion. Dances at midnight with strangers....events to be treasured, cherished, perhaps even remembered at night in your dreams. But think, and think carefully, what might happen if you came face to face with your partner in the unforgiving light of day. The spell might break, and the dream might vanish for all time.